How to be Swell: Grooming!

  1. Never make eye contact with your reflection. That shows weakness! Never show weakness.
  2. Showering is a wonderful thing, but it wastes so much water! Wait until your roommate takes a shower, then casually pop in. They’ve probably been socialized not to say anything!
  3. Shave sometimes, but stop when you see bone. Remember, no one likes the sweet perfume of blood, regardless of what your parents told you.
  4. Soap is great for removing dirt and grime and the persistent nagging odors of filth and decay. All that blood was attracting more flies than hotties, anyway.
  5. Remember, recycle your shower water into the toilet, not the other way ’round. Use this simple mnemonic: Wash and then flush, you’ll have a cute crush; flush and then wash, what the hell is wrong with you?
  6. Brush your teeth. Now do it again. Again! Those are awful shards of living bone jutting through the soft pink meat of your gums. You can never be too clean.
  7. Your hair is a soft, luxurious carpet, worth more than rubies, dearer than gold. Your life is meaningless without it, so make sure to comb it regularly.
  8. Keep your nails trimmed, unless you play the guitar or can’t afford a corkscrew. People will understand!
  9. Sometimes you might want to feel fancy, by applying scent or wearing makeup. That’s great! Only use a little, though, so people can tell who you are and don’t go into night panics and beat themselves to death against the bars of the cage.
  10. Look at other people, and then do what they do. You only have to be as clean as everyone else.