Lonely, Lonely are the Vain

Elihu suddenly notices how fat he’s gotten.
“O no!” he cries.
It is the gym and a strict diet for him!

-Week one-

The scale tells him he is three pounds lighter but in the mirror he looks fatter than ever.
“Goddammit,” swears Elihu.

-Week three-

Ten pounds lighter by the scale but in the mirror all his clothes are too tight.
They don’t feel too tight, but he knows what he sees.
He starts training for a marathon and becomes a vegetarian.
“Take that, flab,” he chants while he jogs.

-Week seven-

He has breasts!
He signs up for a bear-wrestling course in addition to his running and his weight-lifting.
He becomes vegan.
People have started to compliment him on how good he looks, but he sees the pity in their eyes.

-Week sixteen-

His pants keep falling down.
He buys a leather punch so he can make his belts smaller.
In the mirrors, the fat has nearly swallowed his eyes.
His friends stage an intervention.
“Elihu, we’re worried about you. We think you’ve got anorexia.”
“I know what I see! Look in the mirror!”
Everyone in the mirror looks fat and huge.
“Wha–?” says everyone.
There’s a giggle from behind the mirror.
Elihu snatches it away.
There’s a gremlin back there!
He was changing all the mirrors to make Elihu look fat!
Elihu eats him.
Take that, gremlin!

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